―Team America: World Police
―The RED/BLU Soldier (Team Fortress 2)
―God bless America
―Star Spangled Banner
USAball, also known as Americaball, USball or 'Muricaball, is a large countryball in North America. He is a commonly-used countryball character, he hates illegal immigrants and loves oil, freedom, democracy, and hamburgers.
USAball is portrayed as strong, cool, ignorant, arrogant and lazy. Sometimes, he is portrayed as a blob, in reference to the stereotype that Americans are all fat and lazy. He is also sometimes portrayed as very cared for, admired, and powerful, which he then rubs in the face of commies
(and everyone else).
He has tested the most nukes and is currently the richest country on Earthball in GDP, while Qatarball is ranked number one in GDP per capita. As of now, USAball and all of his states have legalized same-sex marriage and because of this conservative countryballs (mainly Iranball) hates him.
He is often portrayed as irrational because other balls are not knowledgeable of how his freedom/democracy works.
Many countryballs believes that USAball is obsessed with wars because USAball is always at war. In fact, they make bets or jokes of what countryball USAball will declare war when USAball is in peace times (which are very rare... because USAball is always at war).
He also hates with all his forces the communism. He has a strong desire to destroy all type of communism in the world.
USAball is a member of the G8 (Group of Eight), a club formed by the countryballs that have the
8 7 as Russiaball is out, largest economies that seek cooperation on economic issues facing the major industrial economies.
He is also in the G20 (Group of Twenty), a club formed by the countryballs that have the 19 largest economies plus the EUball. In fact, he has the largest economy in the world.
But not for long.
He is also the greatest military power in the world.
USAball used to be UKball's most rebellious son, and even today this is reflected in his independent and individualistic attitude symbolized by his cool shades.
He is not very bright, showing ignorance of smaller countries. Despite being generally more brawn than brains, he has a large and idealistic imagination, allowing him to invent plenty of things that helped him to be able to compete with other countries. He is often depicted as coveting oil very much, to the point of declaring war just for it. Despite being somewhat selfish and often making fun of them, USAball does care for his friends very much.
USAball is often competitive and likes challenges, which reflects his support for Capitalism, this prompts his aggressive behavior and results in pride in his hard work that most other countryballs see as "dickish". From being prideful, which results in his large ego, he often regrets his past actions, but would also take literally decades to apologize for any wrongdoing. Despite this, USAball has an outgoing attitude and friendly behavior to other countries that treats him as an ally. From this, he likes to reward other friendly countryballs (and himself) based off of merit; such as giving Japanball back Okinawaball for its good behavior, or rewarding Philippinesball for its loyalty and compensation for Japanese occupation. He also loves to prove other countryballs wrong, such as the World largest Dam (Hoover Dam), World's longest railroad (at the time, Transcontinental Railroad), and actually reaching the moon. He did all this because, as said before he likes challenges (not because it was easy, but because it was hard).
USAball was also adventurous and loved to explore and learn more about the unknown. This was reflected in his movement in western expansion throughout North America and his interests in space. However, on the other hand, underneath his “ego mask”, USAball can be quite insecure, and like, as said before, he often regrets his past actions. He can also be very paranoid about things strange to him, such as calling out 3ball for being demons, his fear of communism (which resulted in a commie witchhunt), and, since 9/11, his growing paranoia for terrorism and Muslims resulted in heavy surveillance even for what he thought was his friends and family. His fear for his own life (and way of life) and the stress of responsibility of being one of the world’s leading superpowers could be so bad that he tends to monitor his neighbors for anything suspicious.
However, he is experiencing something similar to a Midlife Crisis. USAball is slowly becoming more sensitive to outside judgement, and the holding the burden of most of the world's problems for decades has caused USAball to slowly lose confidence in himself, but also make him easily provocative to act aggressively. However, USAball is showing signs of growing humbleness in the last few years and desires to try to make things right in the Middle-east and in Europe. However, it turned out from the humbleness of 2012, his conflicted behavior met a new conclusion and a period of uncertainty. From a period of uncertainty, the US does what he does best. He eventually took the path of rebelling against the establishment from all sides. In the end, he turned a new leaf from the 2016 election and elected a new unexpected, radical president... much to the shock from other countryballs around him. From 2016, it is clear that USAball has developed some sort of split-personality disorder. He is also quite resentful by the world around him, however, he plans to change all of that.
USAball was born as a 7ball, who lived in peace until 1492, when Genoaball landed in the West Indies. In 1513, Spainball landed in Florida, and was followed shortly by Franceball and Englandball, who established settlements on the East Coast of North America in the later 16th century. Englandball's Roanoke colony is famous for having disappeared in 1585.
By the mid-1600s, North America had been settled by European balls, with Spainball in Mexicoball's future clay, Central America and the future clays of the American states of Floridaball, Texasball, Coloradoball, Californiaball, Nevadaball , New Mexicoball and Utahball. At same time Franceball claimed the Louisianaball Territory and Canadaball's future clay, and UKball claimed the East coast.
Englandball's son, Colonial Americaball was influenced by his father's Protestantism which was picked up by him in 1620. He lived through his father's Commonwealth phase (1649-1660) and eventually fought wars on his behalf with New Franceball (future Quebecball) in the later part of the 17th century, such as King William's War and Queen Anne's War in Canadaball's future clay. In 1692, Colonial USAball held the remarkable Salem Witch Trials, but moved on from that nonsense, and by 1735 he was UKball's richest and most successful colony, through the slave trade of 8balls.
In 1754, Franceball fought UKball in the Seven Years' War, and Colonial Americaball was involved on behalf of his father. He fought Franceball's son New Franceball again, and when they won in 1763, New Franceball was forcibly adopted by UKball, who had to raise taxes from Colonial Americaball to cover his expenses, as well as pay for the Seven Years' War. These tax hikes included the 1763 Stamp Act, and indirectly the 1766 Quartering Act, which Colonial USAball called the 'Intolerable Acts', despite both being repealed. Things came to a head in 1770 after the Boston Massacre, and when Colonial USAball recieved a tea tax from UKball, he rebelled and threw all of UKball's tea into Boston harbour in 1773. This resulted in tensions rising between father and son, until they erupted in 1775 at Lexington and Concord.
In 1776, Colonial USAball declared his independence and renamed himself USAball, but was being beaten by UKball in the Revolutionary War of American Independence. He managed to become friends with Russian Empireball through trade and he even visited him and Tsarina Catherine II (Even though he indirectly supported USAball for the rest of the revolutionary war), sadly, he continued struggling in the war for about a year or so. Eventually, UKball was defeated at Saratoga in 1777, causing Franceball to directly start supporting USAball, along with Dutch Republicball and Spainball. He also got help from some cool pirates to a lesser extent. In 1781, UKball was cornered at Yorktown by USAball and France, rumor has it that in the Siege of Yorktown USAball fought head to head with his father's army and killed them all and almost killing his own father, forcing him to surrender and give USAball his independence in 1783. He was so angry at this he refused to sit for the picture of the Treaty of Paris which gave USAball his independence formally. USAball spent the next few years trying to establish himself as a nation, and became a republic rather than a monarchy, like all his father's friends, staying the only republican ball in the world until the bankrupt Franceball had a change of personality in 1789.
The Early Years (1789-1825)
In the 1790s, USAball was independent, but financially and economically crippled, as he tried to establish ties with continental European balls. He started making his coins in 1792, and by 1796, he had started exploring and colonising the land as far as the Ohio territory. In 1800, he started to design his new capital city, Washington D.C., and in 1803, Franceball sold him the Louisiana territory for 15 million US dollars, doubling the size of his clay. In 1809 however, after run-ins with the Barbary pirates and UKball's navy, USAball's diplomatic skills were put to the test, and in 1812, after an attempted invasion of his brother British North Americaball (future Canadaball), UKball invaded, and helped burn down USAball's White House in 1814. The War of 1812 ended in 1815 with ties established between father and son. USAball then wrote the Monroe Doctrine in 1823 to prevent another such invasion, after inventing the steamship in 1817.
In the 1830s, USAball started to remove 7balls from his clay by displacing them westwards, and in 1833 the 7balls embarked on the famous Trail of Tears. However, USAball felt obligated to manifest destiny and set off in a wagon to explore the Midwest in the 1840s. He won a war against Mexicoball in 1846, adopting his rebellious son Texasball and discovered gold in Californiaball's clay in 1848-49. This led to the California Gold Rush, and in 1853 he purchased some land from Mexicoball with that gold. The same year he opened up Japanball to trade. In 1840 he held set Liberiaball free, after sending some of his 8ball slaves there in 1822, as well as having secured his North-Eastern border with UKball via the 1842 Webster-Abshruton Treaty.
USAball now touching every body of water near him started to fill out, as at this point USAball was still pretty lean, and make himself at home on his new clay. As he was filling out he had some growing pains, and some of his stateballs started to fight over their self-severity, as USAball was a pretty chill parent. The main argument, of self-sovereignty, that the stateballs had was over slavery, which USAball left alone because he did really didn’t have a strong opinion of 8balls or any slaves at the time because he just grew up with slavery as a norm. So holding to his neutrality he let the new states choose to allow or disallow slaves when they joined, but once they did they were pretty much left that way to keep a balance. This lead to the Mason-Dixon agreement, and the Missouri Compromise. An equal number of slave-owning stateballs and free stateballs would maintain a delicate balance. However, when Kansasball was formally adopted by the Union, he chose to become a free stateball, upsetting the balance, and causing a crisis in 1856-1857. Missouriball and the other slave-owning stateballs protested to USAball.
In 1861, the free stateballs and slave-owning stateballs had finally had enough, and the slave-owning Southern
stateballs seceded from USAball's clay, forming CSAball. The first shots were exchanged at Fort Sumter in mid-1861, and CSAball initially gained the upper hand against the divided USAball, who eventually struck back at the Battles of Antietam and Shiloh the following year. UKball and Franceball considered helping CSAball briefly, but decided against it. In 1863, USAball proclaimed the 8balls in CSAball's clay to be free, after the battle of Gettysburg. This galvanized the northern stateballs and lead to a massive offensive. Georgiaball was forced to bear the weight of the free-stateballs' advance as they marched to the sea through Atlanta in mid-late 1864, and finally CSAball was forced to surrender in 1865, ending the Civil War. USAball introduced Reconstruction to those stateballs who had rebelled, and re-incorporated them into the Union by 1870, he allowed them to create the jim crow laws as a way to appease the racial tension.
After the Civil War, USAball focused on civilising the Wild West, such as building a transcontinental railroad, completed in 1871, and removing the 7balls, although this sometimes resulted in USAball's loss, such as at Little Big Horn in 1876. USAball also expanded his clay by purchasing Alaskaball from Russian Empireball for $7.2 million US dollars in 1867, and by the 1880s USAball had vastly improved his economy and status in the world. Franceball gave him a Statue of Liberty in 1886, and in 1892, USAball held a World's Exposition in Chicagoball, the first of many. In 1896, the Klondike gold Rush sent USAball to Yukon for gold.
Meanwhile, USAball started doing some imperialism of his own. After giving Liberiaball his de facto independence, he annexed Hawaiiball in 1895, and defeated Spainball in the 1898 Spanish-American War, taking Guamball, Puerto Ricoball, Cubaball and Philippinesball. However, the last one gave him some trouble, by trying to become independent, and USAball fought him until 1902, the boy became a loyal son afterwards. USAball was involved in China at the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, and helped build a railroad through Qing Chinaball's clay. USAball also acquired the Guano Islands and American Samoaball.
In 1903 USAball invented the plane, then started mass-producing cars in the 1900s and 1910s. The Rust Belt across his clay was a surge of income, and he purchased Danish West Indiesball in 1916, and renamed him United States Virgin Islandsball. He tried to stay neutral and isolated in world politics, but in 1906 he helped orchestrate the Treaty of Portsmouth, to end the Russo-Japanese War, he also dated a British woman for a couple years until she died in an air strike while visiting London during WW1, and despite the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania, he refrained from fighting with Reichtangle until the Zimmermann Telegram was discovered in 1917. Around this time, USAball was having trouble with Mexicoball's rebels, and also building a canal through Panamaball's clay.
The Roaring 20s, the Depression, and another War (1917-1949)
After USAball helped the Allies win World War I in 1918 at the Meuse-Argonne offensive, he helped write the Treaty of Versailles in 1919 at the Paris Peace Conference, imposing heavy reparations on Germanyball, but also giving him loans such as the Dawes Plan in 1924 and the Young Plan a few years later. In 1920, USAball banned alcohol from his clay but continued to consume it secretly. Throughout the 1920s, USAball had a boom era, with him becoming a creditor nation, and invented things such as flappers and the Charleston. He even flew solo across the Atlantic in 1927.
In 1929, however, his stocks dropped sharply in the Wall Street Crash, and the Great Depression began around the world as he called back all his debts immediately, and USAball's banks and gold standard failed by 1932. In 1933, however, he started to embark on the New Deal, and his economy steadily began to improve, as he stopped Prohibition and moved his sons Oklahomaball and Nebraskaball away from the Dust Bowl. USAball started to develop a policy of isolationism in the later 1930s in response to the rise of fascism in Europe and East Asia. He embargoed Japanball after he raped Chinaball in 1937, and gave aid to UKball and Franceball in 1940, to fight Nazi Germanyball, but that was it, until Japanball attacked Pearl Harbour in December 1941, and USAball entered the war.
In 1942-43, USAball supplied aid to USSRball, and landed in North Africa in Operation Torch. He fought Japanball at Saipan, Guam and Guandacanal, and then liberated Philippinesball in 1945, after Iwo Jima and Okinawa were captured. He then helped land at Normandy in D-Day, and also in Operation Dragoon in the south of Franceball's clay, and liberated Italyball. By April 1945, USAball and Sovietball were in Berlin and divided Nazi Germanyball's clay up after he committed suicide. They each adopted one of his children, with USAball adopting West Germanyball in 1948, and supplying him by air. Meanwhile, USAball used his atomic bombs on Japanball's cities, forcing him to surrender, and ending World War II. USAball then offered Marshall Aid to all Western Europe countryballs affected by the war. However, a new Cold War was looming between himself and the communist Sovietball. Philippinesball became independent by the way.
In 1950, USAball became involved in Korea, supporting South Koreaball against her communist brother, who had the help of newly communist Chinaball, and USAball brought in NATO members, and UNball, born in 1945 to help him. USAball also had to give his 8balls rights, in the 1950s and 1960s. In 1962, his traitorous son Cubaball started to hold Sovietball's nuclear weapons, which led to the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, narrowly averting global thermonuclear war. In 1964, after the Gulf of Tonkin incident, USAball became involved in Vietnam, against North Vietnamball. He was accused of committing war crimes, such as the 1968 My Lai massacre, and was ultimately forced to pull out of Vietnam in 1973, leading to South Vietnamball's eventual collapse in 1975. USAball also had a space race between himself and Sovietball, who took off running, but was beaten when USAball orbited around the world in 1962, then landed on the Moon in 1969. WMDs (Weapon of mass destruction) were of concern in the 1960s, and USAball protested against them in his Summer of Love hippy movement.
In the 1970s, detente reigned, with the 1972 SALT I agreements being signed, to limit the production of WMDs, which had destroyed Bikini Atoll in 1946. In 1974, meanwhile, USAball had some scandal around Watergate, then but in 1979, Sovietball invaded Afghanistanball's clay, and USAball led a boycott of his 1980 Moscow Olympics in response. So, Sovietball led a 1984 boycott of USAball's Los Angeles Olympics, and accidentally shot down a jet liner in 1983. The same year, USAball almost got into a nuclear war with Sovietball twice! USAball and UKball, with frenemy Chinaball and distant friend (yeah right) Pakistanball continued to support the Mujahideen in Afghanistan against Sovietball. In 1987, his economy crashed in Black Monday. However, in 1989, Sovietball effectively lost the Cold War, when the Eastern Bloc was dissolved. USAball said things like 'Ich bin ein Berliner', 'Evil Empire', and ' Tear Down this Wall!'. However, he was then caught up in the Middle East, against Iraqball in the Gulf Wars of 1991 and 2003. The 90s was also the decade USAball was attacked both directly and indirectly attacked by Al-Qaedaball: First in 1993 during the World Trade Center bombing, the 1996 Khobar Towers attack in Saudi Arabiaball and the bombing of USAball's embassies in Kenyaball and Tanzaniaball in 1998. USAball tried to kill Al-Qaedaball with cruise missiles in response to the embassy bombings, but failed to do so. In 1999, he helped avoid the Y2K bug, returned the Panama Canal to Panamaball, and celebrated the arrival of the New Millennium in 2000.
The world celebrated with the arrival of the New Millennium as all countryballs look forward to a prosperous and hopeful future. Nope, no flying cars nor instantly predicted weather was made but it didn't matter. However, the hope for having a peaceful decade would not last for long...
On September 11, 2001, Al-Qaedaball destroyed the World Trade Centre's twin towers in New York Cityball and attacked the Pentagon near DCball, and USAball declared a war on Terror, going into the Middle East and invading Afghanistanball and Iraqball. In 2005 USAball Got hit by Hurricane Katrina making it the deadliest Hurricane to hit USAball ever. USAball has also been busy hunting kebab terrorists such as ISISball and Al-Qaedaball, who was killed in 2011 while hiding in Pakistanball's clay. The same year, USAball and his NATOball allies intervened in Libyaball's multiple personality disorder. USAball has now given same-sex couples rights and tried to hide his corruption. In 2014, USAball and Cubaball reconciled for the first time in almost 50 years.
Currently, in 2017, USAball and NATOball are currently engaging ISISball, Boko Haramball, remnants of the followers of Al-Qaedaball and Talibanball in the Middle East. He has also indirectly teamed up with long time rivals like Russiaball in fighting the kebabs. However it has been said that many of the problems today are the U.S's fault.
His conflicted behavior met a new conclusion and a period of uncertainty. Since the 2016 Election, an unexpected winner had shocked the world around him. It became clear that things are about to change on the global stage.
Everyone. If you are a democratic country, you are an ally to America. Don't even try to deny it.
But the more important ones...
- Canadaball: We grew up together. We fought together (and each other). My little brother that joins me in my wars although he loves commies a bit too much. Also my neighbor and best friend, he helped me out big time during 9/11 by taking in stranded airline passengers when I was forced to close my airspace.
- UKball: I hated Dad's taxes, causing the revolution.. But today dad considers me to be his PROUDEST, STRONGEST, AND COOLEST son ever. Dad thinks I should use the "correct way" of speaking in English and use the damn liberal commie metric system!
- Englandball: Bloody tyrant! 1776 was the best year of my life! (but thanks for your English law, language and organization)
- Scotlandball: My uncle with annoying fucking bagpipes! They cannot be independent from my dad. He is still the best uncle ever, nevertheless, he taught me everything I know about FREEDOM !!!!!
- Walesball: Who the hell are you? My weird brother or somethin' (Wait... I descended from a dragon? FUCK YEAH!)
- Northern Irelandball: Oh, he's just another weird uncle. Whatever.
- Irelandball: My distant bro. I'm, like, 1/32nd Irish!
- Franceball: My godmother and first ally, despite being a dumb sack of coward cheese. Thanks for financing the revolution! And also thanks for the Statue of Freedom!
- Italyball: Uncle Italy, helped me with war money and by being a fellow filmmaker. Also gave them severe mafia disease in their Chicago area. They are on this list because they gave us pizza. Our Air Force operates in Aviano and our Navy operates in Naples.
- Spainball: Beautiful mother (or is that France, I don't know) that let us use her territory for our Navy in NAS Rota. Dad told me if he had never sunk the Spanish Armada, I would never have been born, because if he defeated my dad in that naval battle he would've probably conquer all his territory and he will never colonized my clay ... he always says that naval battle was the hottest battle of his life (wait a second... Dad were you really talking about a naval battle?). Thanks for giving me my children, Puerto Ricoball, Guamball, and Philippinesball.
- Germanyball: Uncle Germany!!!! Even though their history is complicated, we helped build his economy after we kicked their ass in the war, and now they are a great economy. They like us for that, so they're cool. Also, German is my third language! Well they also created my favorite meal: BURGERS!!!
- Serbiaball: Yes, we were fighting many times,
and everytime I wonbut now I'm a friend of Russiaball, so Serbiaball is a friend of mine, too.
- Belgiumball: Cousin Belgium, son of Franceball. He's a cool guy (love your chocolates btw)
- Philippinesball: My favorite son who worships me, he's a good location and a very loyal ally (he is in my top ten allies) for war. He loves me more than his real parent to the point of being the most pro- USA country in the world. But kiddo, you don't have to send my soldiers out of your clay because your salty fucking president brainwashed you. I heard you are starting to have good relations with the Chinese Commies (and even dissing Barrack Obama quite a few times) and started having some great investments but kid, remember this. TRY BECOMING A COMMIE YOURSELF, AND YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. *sigh* Kid, what the hell is even wrong with you right now? Martial Law already? I hope you know what you're doing. Let's talk things out.
- Polandball: Former commie who's okay now. Also, pretty good friends, because we helped tore down that wall. (And that they broke the Enigma code.) Got a lot of his people in some of my states.
- Albaniaball : I helped him every time, gave him weapons, and sometimes, 'murican products! We are friends but I still think that it's stupid how he takes credits for my victories, I mean I beat Serbia and you didn't.
- Japanball: Helped him rebuild after WW2
and fucked him up so hardand I turned him from an isolationist empire to a 1st world democratic countryball and a powerful ally against the Commies. He also gives me video games such as Mario, Legend of Zelda, Sonic and more. He also recently invented and gave me a Nintendo Switch. Same as Estonia, also give piano too.
- South Koreaball: Like many big countries, we helped rebuild her during WWII. We're cool. I Iove her, and she helps me a lot as well. We also have ROK-US joint military training as well. We also helped her during the Korean War.
- Turkeyball: We like them- They're in NATOball. They do seem to be becoming more ultra-Islamic though... They might need some DEMOCRACY! Recently suffered a coup. Oh, and by the way, can you stop bombing the Kurds and help me with ISISball?
- Colombiaball: They hated us once; now they really like us, and we kill drug lords together. Hey!!! I love his coffee and the Shakira songs!!!
- Panamaball: We share money, and
cut them in halfbuilt a canal for them. We removed Manuel Noriega for you! (Panamaball: 1989 Best Year of my life! Thanks of returning the canal in 2000!). I would love to visit that volcano that shows both the Pacific and the Atlantic.
- Hong Kongball: We barely met, but they love us and we helped them in the 1940's. Go Umbrella Revolution! DEMOCRACY! They hate the locusts (barbaric Chinaball tour) that shits in their public places.
- Netherlandsball: Uncle Netherlands!!! We wouldn't exist without them, although they don't get why. He has a weird stash of weed too, but we don't ask about that.
MASTERHeh! Our best friends, yup! Never left our side. Master of Kebab Removal. We're definitely not controlled by them, I assure you.
- ROCball: Better known as Taiwanball. We're allies with them and we sell them weapons, I don't recognize you, but I will help you when Dim Sum will try to attack you.
- Australiaball: Brother !!!! Oi, chuck a shrimp on the barbie, mate. He's my 2nd favourite brother after Canadaball, and of course i would like to go hunting with you.
- New Zealandball: Another sibling!!! Oi, put a sheep on the slightly more eastern barbie. And let me park muh nuclear ships in your waters you environmental pirate! Home of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit!
- Dominican Republicball: Friend in the Caribbean, I helped him assassinate his dictator in 1961. I also helped him win his civil war against the commies. Now we fight drug lords together along with Brazilball and Colombiaball.
- South Africaball: We've been good friends ever since we kicked their ass so hard they forgot what racism was. They do support ex-commie Russia, China and Iran though, so... BZZZZZZ (it is annoying like their vuvuzuelas).
- Kenyaball: We help them fight Islamic terrorists.
- Djiboutiball: He let us use his clay to fight the pirates! However, Franceball, Japanball, and Chinaball have placed their militaries in his clay (Back-off pals, he's mine!).
- Nigeriaball: You want us to buy your oil? Sure thing buddy! And we'll send that fucking money to your poor dethroned prince. (What do you mean, you're a republic?!)
- Egyptball: Formerly one of our best African buddies, but recently went insane. We worry about them sometimes.
- Malaysiaball: The best Islamic brother ever. Has an identical flag to me. ALSO REAL NICE, MAKING TWIN TOWERS TO REMIND ME OF 9/11. I helped him find his missing plane.
- Bruneiball: He has oil! Richest friend in SE Asia. Our military trains side-by-side.
- Thailandball: We fought North Vietnam together. Now, he is our major- non NATO ally who recently suffered a multiple personality disorder. Better get him to the hospital. We'll take a river taxi. Since they aren't much cars there.
- Tringapore: He lets us dock our Littoral Combat Ships (LCS) in his clay. Also very capitalist. Which is good for the soul.
Someone help! He is colonizing me!!Great trading partner! Doesn't like the People's Republic of Chinko-commiestan, therefore finding solace with us. He's friends with that damn Russia though...which is annoying because they also outsource our jobs.
- British Indian Ocean Territoryball: Another of my father's property with a military base. We placed our Air Force and Navy here to deter against that Iranball. His clay was used when fighting Iraqball during the Persian Gulf War. God damn nations against my wars!
- Bahamasball: Awesome cruise ship destination. Still no agreement on our maritime border though.
- British Virgin Islandsball: USVI's cousin who is also sterile.
- Cayman Islandball: A good place for a vacation to get away from stress. He is a tax haven which is good for the soul.
I store my money and wealth here.
- Turks and Caicosball: Carribbean buddy near Florida.
- Liberiaball: So, this one time I had a colony. He is As FREEDOM FUCK YEAH as me because he is my son who is independent. Go bring Freedom to your commie neighbors son.
- Romaniaball: Yeah, we're pretty decent bros since I killed communism. Their music is pretty decent, to say the least, though mine is better! (I'm still not sure he's not a vampire...)
- Bulgariaball: Alliance since removing commie from premises. But he still kills dolphins.
- Moroccoball: Historic alliance. First country to formally recognize us!
- Greeceball: They invented DEMOCRACY!!!! We gave them fascism! (Sorry about that.)
- Cyprusball: Hey, a friend of Greece is a friend of mine. Well, half a friend... I don't even know him that well...
- Akrotiri and Dhekeliaball: My dad's RAF base in the Mediterranean. My Air Force planes often land there. Sorry Cyprus, it's still going to be my father's sovereign bases.
- Indonesiaball: Our former president , Barack Obama
FUCK YEAH, was here. Good ol' Poland.
- Estoniaball: What? Isn't that, like, part of Russiaball, or something? ...Wait, you're telling me she's friends with Finnistan? Give more pianos !!
- Saudi Arabiaball: Even though he's a kebab, he sells us Oil and helped us fight Iraq during the Gulf War.
- Jordanball: Muslim friend of ours. We made him and Egyptball friends with Israelcube in 1979! We fight ISIS- the filthy terrorist together!
- Bahrainball: Oil and major non-NATO ally!
- Kuwaitball: Oil and major non-NATO ally! We liberated them from fascism!
- Tunisiaball: Recently became my major non-NATO ally! (2015) Recently suffered an attack by ISIS. Don't worry buddy, I'll give those sandniggers FREEDOM!
- Cubaball: Look son, I'm sorry I called you a fascist nazi commie asshole and got all fired up about those missiles. We cool? We used to be close.. hmm how about a father and son fishing trip hmm? Your supreme leader guy is dead now too so we can start over, riiiiight?
- Brazilball: My best friend in World War 2. And we removed these damned Nazis. We also fight drug lords together. I hope you take care of Venezuelaball. He is friends with that DAMN COMMIE FASCIST RUSSIA though, so...
- Vietnamball: He used to be a commie, but we're good now, Obama recently lifted sanctions, sorry for Agent Orange as well. Oh and please do not try to do anything funny to my kid alright?
- South Vietnamball: Historical and long time friend. Fought against those commie northerners! (And lost, but shhh)
- Cambodiaball: Odd friend of mine who suffered several multiple personality disorders. Became normal in 1991 and now our navies train side-by-side. He is still a little mad at me for delivering freedom to him back then in the 70's.
- Palauball: The most adorable adopted son of mine who became independent in 1994, as the last Trust Territory of the Pacific Islandsball. He didn't join Micronesia, and is smaller than the others... Papa loves you my cute little boy.
- Marshall Islandsball and Micronesiaball: Palau's Trust Territory siblings and his adopted children. Became independent in the 80s. Come home guys, papa misses you so much.
- Chileball: I backed him up in a military coup in 1973. His flag reminds me of my proudest son Texasball. Hope he takes care of Venezuelaball. Also, I give him free stay in my land, as he's the only hispanic who is really hardworking.....The rest, STAY AWAY YOU DAMN BEANERS....
- Argentinaball: Major non-NATO ally of mine in South America. We have a weird friendship because he is still mad at me for supporting my Dad during some war over the Falkland Islands in 1982. I never understand why he wants to be European.
- Guyanaball: Best brother, we helped him get rid of drugs. (Sorry about the Kool-Aid.)
- Peruball: Another latino country that sucks at soccer, but we're cool. They also have gold and silver and llamas.
- Boliviaball We give them aid, but they criticize our government policy.
- Afghanistanball: Gave him Stinger missiles to fight that commie. Was taken over by Talibanball before I gave freedom to him and successfully got rid of the Taliban in 2001. It's been a decade, it's time for you to graduate and fight the remaining Taliban, son.
- Haitiball: Recently gave aid to him after an earthquake destroyed his clay; but Navassa Islandball is still mine.
- NepalRawr: OhioRawr's best buddy, for they are both monsters. Despite him looking scary and shit, he is a harmless little buddy unless you piss him off, when he'll turn into a Gurkha and massacre you single handedly. I respect him for that for they are one of the most badass soldiers in the world! I just recently gave him aid when he was knocked out in that earthquake in April 2015.
- Mongoliaball: Sided with me during the Iraq War. Pretty irrelevant now.Used to rule the commies a long time ago; Good job Mongolia!
- Costa Ricaball: She's the most developed country in Hispano-America! We also filmed Jurassic Park with him.
- Bermudatriangle: One of my dad's territories near me. Also a best friend of Puerto Rico and Florida.
They form the actual Bermuda Triangle
- Greenlandball: Suicidal Friend. I have an airbase on his clay (Thule) so I can bomb the SHIT out of the Commies!!! Though I support you as much as Denmark does. Please don't kill yourself. Try to be like Iceland. BTW Canada, Stay out of his clay!!!!
The land of Kardashians!I gave him a nice amount of money to preserve his old churches. A nice number of Armenians live in Glendale, L.A. But has close ties with ex-commie Ivan, which annoys us.
- Sloveniaball: Ex-Wife
- Soviet Unionball: Neutral. Helped me beat Germany during WW1 and WW2. Opponent during Cold War. Somewhat became my Frenemy when he turned on his Gorbachev mode since allowed me to invest McDonald's on his clay. (See also Enemies USSRball)
- Russiaball: Frenemy when it comes to fighting the muslim terrorists. Still angry with him over the war in Ukraine. Wait a second? Did his president send me a telegram saying that we can become great friends now? This ... is it weird?
- Pakistanball: Used to be my ally against the Soviet Union. With his ISI, we delivered arms to the Afghan rebels during the Soviet-Afghan War. Now, he hates me despite the aid I gave him. He also might have helped Al-Qaedaball. Or maybe dude's chosen to hide here. (See also: Enemies -> Pakistanball)
STOP COLONISING ME!!Best trading partner. Our leaders met each other and they became good friends. She is a damn commie, however. ALSO, STOP BULLYING. MY SON. And I invented the fortune cookies! Not you!
- Cubaball: My delinquent of a son (
like me). Used to be annoying but recently, we are becoming better friends. He used to work for Russia for which I was kind of bitter towards him since he left the family. I hate how that damn commie brainwashed the poor boy. He, Palau, Liberia, Micronesia, Marshall, and Philippines are the only ones who aren't part of my territory anymore. But they will come home to daddy and dad will make sure they will ALWAYS have freedom!
- Kurdistanball: I labelled him a terrorist but now he's allies with me against ISIS. He fights ISIS, like, better than that pussy Iraq. He also has women fighting ISIS, which is the goat fucker's worst nightmare! This dude got my respect. Maybe I'll remove you from the terror list soon.
- Communistball - OH, YOU ARE THE WORST!!!! I WILL NUKE YOU I WILL SUCK UP YOUR CITIZENS I WILL EXECUTE THEM I WILL ANNEX YOUR LIBERAL COMMIE TOWNS AND BEHEAD PUTIN AND XI!!! SOON OUR GLORIOUS FREEDOMLAND WILL REIGN!!!!! I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A PIG AND MAKE YOU SUFFER LIKE MY HERSHEY SLAVES!!!! BETTER DEAD THEN RE-NO! STOP!! PLEASE DON'T LAUNCH ICBMS! PLEASE DON'T MAKE US PAY DEBT!! NO!! I WILL NEVER PAY DEBT! I WILL FORM ALLIANCE WITH CANADA!! Wait, Canada's SOCIALIST?! I WILL NUKE YOU TOO!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! 1989 NEVER FORGET!!!! I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- (Most) Kebabs: This includes Pakistanball, Syriaball, Iraqball, Lebanonball, Afghanistanball, Somaliaball, ISISball, etc. These guys are my #1 enemy because they always try to mess with me through school shootings and bombings and other sorts of terrorism. REMOVE KEBAB! (I think I just looked like a commie guy I know... Crap)
- Pakistanball: This fella over here is really strange. I gave him weapons, shiny equipment and training and monies. Despite all this, he absolutely hates me. He even loves dim sum. AND THEN I FOUND OSAMA IN HIS CLAY.
- Syriaball: Stop killing innocent civilians! If it weren't for Russiaball, I would have given you a dose of FREEDOM a long time ago! So, you've recently hit the new low. Going as far as gassing more of your citizens including children! F***ING CHILDREN!!! You now know that I wouldn't mind giving you a small dose of freedom...
PREPARE FOR OPERATION SYRIAN FREEDOM!!! ( Iraq reference)
- Iraqball: I never really liked you, even since before the war with Iran. How dare you invade Kuwaitball! I even gave you democracy and new toys! But what did you do? You ran away from the enemy like a COWARD while this awesome equipment ended up in ISIS hands! If it wasn't for me, you would be overrun by ISIS right now! But really, stop being a coward.
- Palestineball: Man I like saying no to you. No matter how much you beg and plea to recognized by me, I won't. I love denying your membership to the UN.
Someday I might that's if Israel does something stupid.
- Somaliaball: Those damn pirates, always stealing ships! Remember that awesome rescue I did? You want more of that? HUH?
- Talibanball: How dare you turn from a heroic commie remover to a terrorist organization hiding a terrorist organization and for taking over Afghanistanball. BTW, I successfully removed you in 2001 and reduced to nothing but savages who hide in a cave.
- Al-Qaedaball: I killed you twice in 2011! 9/11, NEVER FORGET!!! 9/11, WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!! HERE IS AN ICON OF ME SO YOU FEEL MORE SCARED!
- Boko Haramball: Fuck you! Bring back those girls, stupid pedophile!
- ISISball: Look, fuckface. You want to fight for morals? Fine for you. I've fought as well as I could for what I thought best for the world. But I've fought enough times to know that just because you want to be good don't mean you are good. And you're not good, pal. Your entire cult is based on a flimsy, ultraviolent misinterpretation of your Holy Book. Your beliefs and violence are being condemned by some of the greatest authorities of your faith. You threaten every single country in the world with war
that's my job!, attack my little brother, invade so many other countries and kill thousands of civilians, all in the name of MORALS?! In the name of FREEDOM?! Tell you what, you want freedom, you fucking bunch of jihadi crap bags? Come get some jerk!
- Chechnyaball: Bombers of Boston marathon! You really need a large dose of freedom, from me or your country!
- OASball: Goddamn Latinos running the place! They won't give me any authority!
- Illegal immigrants - GET OFF. THE FUCKING. FENCE. I know you're poor and all but GET. OFF. THE. FENCE. I only let you spics in because who else is going to serve me my McDonald's?!
- Venezuelaball: F*CK YOU, you evil commie or whatever you want to fuckin want to call yourself. You are mean to the smallest Latin American countryballs when they did nothing to you!! You can anchluss me in Call of Duty: Ghosts but that will never happen f*cker.
- North Koreaball: This guy hates me more than I hate ISIS. I don't know what I did to make him so angry (totally did nothing). I think I nuked him a bit too much. He's still complaining about the funny movie (The Interview), but I don't think he's going to stay alive for long. He thinks his nukes Can reach my soil but that won't happen. Anchlussed me in Red Dawn (2012), Homefront, Homefront: The Revolution, and Modern Combat 3: Fallen Nation but that will never happen MOFO! REMOVE KIM FAMILY!!! KOREAN WAR, BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! SO YOU KILLED ONE OF MY CITIZENS, EH? OKAY THAT'S IT, I'M DECLARING WAR ON YOU!
- Zimbabweball: He hates me for no exact reason.
- CSAball: Unwanted racist son (accident). Glad he's gone and the first and last time any states can secede.
- UKball - Father
- Spainball - Mother
- Canadaball - Brother
- Antigua and Barbudaball - Adoptive Brother
- Australiaball - Brother
- Papua New Guineaball - Adoptive Nephew
- Nauruball - Adoptive Nephew
- Bahamasball - Adoptive Brother
- Bahrainball - Adoptive Brother
- Barbadosball - Adoptive Brother
- Belizeball - Adoptive Brother
- Botswanaball - Adoptive Brother
- Bruneiball - Adoptive Brother
- Cyprusball - Adoptive Brother
- Dominicaball - Adoptive Brother
- Egyptball - Adoptive Cousin
- Fijiball - Adoptive Sister
- Gambiaball - Adoptive Brother
- Ghanaball - Adoptive Brother
- Grenadaball - Adoptive Sister
- Guyanaball - Adoptive Brother
- Indiaball - Adoptive Brother
- Israelcube - Adoptive Brother
- Iraqball - Adoptive Brother
- Jamaicaball - Adoptive Brother
- Jordanball - Adoptive Brother
- Kenyaball - Adoptive Brother
- Kiribatiball - Adoptive Brother
- Kuwaitball - Adoptive Brother
- Lesothoball - Adoptive Sister
- Malawiball - Adoptive Brother
- Malaysiaball - Adoptive Brother
- Hong Kongball - Adoptive Brother
- Tringapore - Adoptive Brother
- Maldivesball - Adoptive Brother
- Maltaball - Adoptive Brother
- Mauritiusball - Adoptive Brother
- New Zealandball - Brother
- Cook Islandsball - Adoptive Nephew
- Niueball - Adoptive Nephew
- Tokelauball - Adoptive Nephew
- Nigeriaball - Adoptive Brother
- Pakistanball - Adoptive Brother
- Qatarball - Adoptive Brother
- Saint Luciaball - Adoptive Sister
- Saint Kitts and Nevisball - Adoptive Brother
- Saint Vincent and the Grenadinesball - Adoptive Brother
- Seychellesball - Adoptive Brother
- Tanzaniaball - Adoptive Brother
- Solomon Islandsball - Adoptive Brother
- South Africaball - Adoptive Brother
- Namibiaball - Adoptive Nephew
- Sri Lankaball - Adoptive Brother
- Sudanball - Adoptive Brother
- South Sudanball - Adoptive Brother
- Swazilandball - Adoptive Brother
- Tanzaniaball - Adoptive Brother
- Tongaball - Adoptive Brother
- Trinidad and Tobagoball - Adoptive Brother
- Tuvaluball - Adoptive Brother
- Ugandaball - Adoptive Brother
- UAEball - Adoptive Brother
- Vanuatuball - Adoptive Sister
- Yemenball - Adoptive Brother
- Zambiaball - Adoptive Brother
- Zimbabweball - Adoptive Brother
- Akrotiri and Dhekeliaball - Adoptive Brother
- Anguillaball - Adoptive Brother
- Bermudatriangle - Adoptive Brother
- British Indian Ocean Territoryball - Adoptive Brother
- British Virgin Islandsball - Adoptive Brother
- Cayman Islandsball - Adoptive Brother
- Falkland Islandsball - Brother
- Gibraltarball - Adoptive Brother
- Montserratball - Adoptive Brother
- Pitcairn Islandsball - Adoptive Brother
- Saint Helenaball, Ascensionball and Tristan da Cunhaball - Adoptive Brothers
- South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islandsball - Adoptive Brother
- Turks and Caicos Islandsball - Adoptive Sister
- Liberiaball - Son
- Philippinesball - Adoptive Son
- Puerto Ricoball - Adoptive Son
- Cubaball - Rebellious Adoptive Son
- American Samoaball - Adoptive Son
- Guamball - Adoptive Son
- Marshall Islandsball - Adoptive Son
- Palauball - Adoptive Son
- Federated States of Micronesiaball - Adoptive Son
- Northern Mariana Islandsball - Adoptive Son
- United States Virgin Islandsball - Adoptive Son
- Germanyball - Uncle
- Netherlandsball - Uncle
- Belgiumball - Uncle
- Luxembourgball - Uncle
- Denmarkball - Aunt
- Swedenball - Aunt
- Norwayball - Aunt
- Icelandball - Aunt
- Austriaball - Uncle
States and Territories (All of Muh Children)
- Alabamaball: "The State Bird is the NASCAR." Well known for rednecks, racists, space camps, and guns. Also where cruise ships go to die and it's illegal to salt a railroad track. It's the premier destination to look skinny by comparison.
- Alaskaball: "I can see seasonal depression from here."Bought from Russia before turned into a commie scum where humans and bears are at equal population. Also 1/5th of our land, half of our snow (aka, seasonal depression) and 2/3rd's of our oil (especially with their brand new oil field). Also, most prepared for a zombie apocalypse and one of the cities elected a cat as their mayor. Their pizza boxes have targets on the back.
- Arizonaball: "Keeping Indians in and Mexicans out". Where people who like cold weather and guns go to dehydrate and get guns immediately. Largest Navajo population. Also where no Mexican wants to go near the border of. And too many fucking telescopes. Has
my asscrackthe grand canyon, but Phoenix sounds about aslegit as Jean Grey. Where P.F. Chang's, and the most preserved meteor crater comes from.
- Arkansasball: "Great scenery, brilliant people *Hahaha sorry* We have Walmart?"We don't know why they exist other than slave rights. It doesn't help that they host a duck calling contest. They make good yogurt and grow the most rice out of all the states. Evanescence is formed here, Little Rock, to be precise, and Slick Willy came from here. They're basically a combination of inbred West Virginians and Southerners. The poorest state of the south and they also have the most dog owners.
- Californiaball: "Mexican Boob-Job hippies, who really want to direct!" Where our GMOs, movies, relaxed liberals, and technology are created. And also giant redwoods. Some people think they're geniuses, most think they're insane. Home of Green Day. They also have the most professional sports teams in the US and are where fortune cookies come from. Had a drought 3 years ago. Where Americans settle to do porn. What? You're trying to leave? Don't secede from us, I warn you! Calexit will never happen! Anyways, they are the 2nd most likely to secede, after Texas. So you dropped it because Calexit's leader wanted to live in Siberia. Well, time to poke fun at you for your dumb attempt!
- Coloradoball: "Snow! I mean Cocaine, but we're also known for skiing." Very nice mountains. Very bad gun control (ahem, remember Columbine). A lot of sand dunes too. And the Rockies. And gluten free foods. And who can forget that sweet ass Mary Jane. KOBE. Home of South Park. Also where the number of ghost towns nearly outnumber the amount of living ones.
- Connecticutball: "Great schools! Because there's nothing else to do here."The Las Vegas of New England. Currently the 2nd freest state in New England. Nothing bad ever happens here. (except for sandy hook and Bridgeport) and the only state that doesn't have a state fair. It's pretty much a tourist trap state but smarter. The nutmegs are alright and it's also, where lollipops where named (and it's only a 2 hour drive from NYC).
- Delawareball: "Come, we have low corporation fees. No seriously, please come." Currently on hold for the day they just turn into East Marylandball. Mainly just where department stores dump their merchandise and screen door factories. But they don't have a state tax. As you can see, he'd do anything for more corporations. They also like to Huck pumpkins the catapults. And he's the only state without national parks. Come on, he only has three counties, from north to south, with populations: New Castle (538,479), Kent (162,310), Sussex (197,145).
- DCball: "I am the boss here!!! The leader!!!" Capital city that wants full representation but can't get it, but still has a spy museum. Also, he stole the thinker statue from Parisball...Come at me, "frére!" Some guys want to give his clay back to Maryland, but you know that's not likely.
- Floridaball: "The more north you go, the more south it gets." Home of alligators, citruses, cruise ships, Disney World, crazy spring breaks, greyhound racing, people who eat your face, and the physic capital of the world. Basically Australiaball, but less severe older, and more Cubans. Miami-Dade County even has the largest ethnicity being Cuban. In the end, it's a great place if you enjoy quiet walks on the beach or spend the only good years of your life here. Also, remember the two consecutive days where (first) Christina Grimmie, (then) LGBT members were shot dead in Orlando.
- Georgiaball: "Atlanta! We're kinda ashamed of the rest of it though." Probably the best state, but unfortunately it experiences corruption. It's home to Atlanta and more historic Savannah, but the rest is racist rednecks, skinheads and KKK members. Not the Georgia that was freedom'd by
RussiaSoviet re mainders. Home of the Walking Dead, and the world's largest poultry convention. And their doing a favor by keeping Florida out of the rest of the US.
- Hawaiiball: "If you lived here, you'd be lazy too." They used to be our coffee slaves. They were just kinda like, "Hey, can I join?" and US was just like "lol kk". Their Monarchy was forced to join by some motherfucking idiots! Wait... they were a republic by the time they joined us. Home to the US Pacific Fleet, it one of the most militarized islands in the world. Although, it treats itself like its own country, which I am sorry for taking your freedom away! And the state where your least likely to collide with a deer (for obvious reasons) as well as the only rabies-free state. Apparently they don't want to be ours anymore anyway.
- Idahoball: " Potatoes and Napoleon Dynamite. Gosh we're cool." Really fucking cold and all potatoes. Also only state in the Cascades which has virtually no intention to leave. But its not just spuds, they produce 72 types of precious and semi-precious stones. They pass the time by watching porcupines race. It's also a great place to hide a body.
- Illinoisball: "Look! An un-corrupt politician for once. So far." Their game is Chicago, corn, deep dish pizza, mafia, and debt. Official language is American, not English. Now that's a true American.
- Chicagoball: "Illinois is nothing without me!" The Downstaters want to kick him out, but he just wants to be their capital! My 3rd biggest city people-wise (after NYC and LA). like cities in Ohio, but not so bankrupt. We filmed the Batman movies here (well, the Dark Knight trilogy anyways).
- Indianaball: "You have to drive through them to get somewhere better." Where the Indy 500 is. Also made a small fortune off Studebaker in South Bend. Where our Vice President comes from and where all of Illinois's pollution goes. Also, it has no real economy, yet produced our first successful goldfish farm. Imagine Applebee's as a state.
- Iowaball: "56,000 square miles of dull." He is literally just 56,000 square miles corn. and the highest pig population. And for some reason there's a 5 minute smooch limit. Guy's capital, Des Moines, and his French-ripoff flag, makes it look as though he is a legit Frenchman (no, Louisiana is the Frenchman, not you).
- Kansasball: "White breads, making wheat breads." He's the Centerpiece of 'Murican territory (even though it's mostly farmland). The Civil War almost started here. Used to hate fags until the new pope said it's okay (and us too.) Also, home to one of the worlds largest balls of twine to bore your kids with, and home to pizza hut. Making abandoned prairie's look beautiful since 1861. Yes, that's where Dorothy and Oz taking place in the real world. No, Kansas City belongs to Missouri, though one-third of its metropolitan area belongs to Kansas. Superman was raised here.
- Kentuckyball: "Farming from the future, textbooks from 1925." Hillbillies, horses, college basketball, a giant baseball bat, and caves. But they are somewhat scientific. They had the first hand transplant and a scientific method where horses could give birth to zebras.
- Louisianaball: "Thanks BP, like we didn't have enough problems." Home of American Frenchies. He's second only to Floridaball in terms of crazy people. Weird voodoo shit happens here. He has amazing food, though. Cajun okra and gambling coming to the state (we put up a golden nugget in Lake Charles as a possible sin city). Also, the most singles out of all states and the international joke telling contest.
- Maineball: "I love fishing and swimming in the ocean!!!" He's pretty cool. Eats lobsters and isn't afraid of anything. Its mainly the fishing and swimming hole of the USA and its beaches are mainly giant boulders. Can't get there from 'ere bud. Has the oldest population and produced most of our toothpicks until 2003. Also where most Stephen King books are set because...why?
- Marylandball: "Have Jeeves bring the lobster boat around." The PO box capital of the world. Home of Baltimore and a beach city like Atlantic City but without busted Trump property (now our president). He narrowly avoided becoming Southwest Pennsylvania. BUT LEARN TO DRIVE YOU BONEHEAD. Sorry, I get mad sometimes. The rest of Maryland is very fancy like Newport and the only state where the main sport is jousting.
- Massachusettsball: "Our chief exports are tea, seafood, and obnoxious sports fans."The state where the revolution began, and also where any sense of American enthusiasm ended. He also invented basketball, and also likes staring at birds. He taxes literally everything. And Harvard, spirit of America my ass! But on the plus side, they don't need red lobster since their at seafood waters. Home to the top 3 most Irish towns and also, where packaged frozen foods were invented.
- Michigancube: "Cereal and serial." A lot of nice people and the Detroit's no longer bankrupt. (but a lot of shootings and still in the dumps). And Eminem. Also, in that state your never more than 8 miles, no, 6 miles from a lake.
- Yooperball: "Mitä? I'm not Michigan's clay clay! Perkele!" Also known as Superiorball and Ontonagonball. They are a lot like Finlandball, which is a good thing in case the commies decide to invade from the north, and Canada collapses. In fact, 6 of their counties have the largest reported ethnicity as Finnish.
What about Alaska?
- Yooperball: "Mitä? I'm not Michigan's clay clay! Perkele!" Also known as Superiorball and Ontonagonball. They are a lot like Finlandball, which is a good thing in case the commies decide to invade from the north, and Canada collapses. In fact, 6 of their counties have the largest reported ethnicity as Finnish.
- Minnesotaball: "Too nice not to elect douchebag governors." Likes to go up north to the cabin in the summer and play hockey in the winter. (most normal when it comes to seasons). Also my largest mall (but not for too much longer). And most golfers per capital plus, their state flower can last as long as 100 years (which is probably longer than most nations can last).
- Mississippiball: "We're gonna need a bigger Bible Belt." He is very redneck; probably even worse than Alabama on this front. The state that sleeps with everybody. He has plenty of catfish, crayfish, and okra too. Also the most obese state and where shoes were first sold in pairs.
- Missouriball: "We're number one.... In meth." Home of St. Louis, Kansas City, a huge arch, crystal meth, and civil unrest. I'm worried about him. It's remarkably unremarkable.
- Montanaball: "Speed limits don't matter when you're drunk." Nothing bad ever happens there. Scratch that. (Virtually) NOTHING ever happens here. Plus any type of animal with antlers outnumbers humans. Also, where letter bombs come from.
- Nebraskaball:" Footballs, drawls, and overalls." Most homes with indoor plumbing. Also Omaha, but who gives a fuck? Also, where Arbor Day began. ...And Earth Day as well.
- Nevadaball: "No laws, no problem! Well except for all the murders." Home of Area 51, Las Vegas (Home of the Pawn Stars), prostitution, and organized crime. In other words, great.
UFOs crash hereand the biggest shrimp consumers.
- New Hampshireball: "Half hippie, half French, all upper-class." The closest state to libertarian. And the freest state in New England. Includes New England's highest point. Also where state lotteries, public libraries, and legal gay marriage began. You could say there beatniks and also, where the first potato was planted in me.
- New Jerseyball: "G.T.L. Guidos, turnpikes, leeching off New York." And to think their the first to ratify our bill of rights. Their only purpose is to be made fun of. Doesn't help them that they have the largest pipe organ ever built. And its shockingly liberal. The only thing good there is Atlantic City for geezers to gamble. He is my most densely populated state (
but not for long). But on the plus side, he does have some decent beaches (at least the syringe-free ones) and good tomatoes too. They don't call him the Garden State for nothing and, he's also got the most diners in me.
- New Mexicoball: "Like regular Mexico, but with more UFO's." The title says it all. A lot of Navajos, and my highest spic population. And that Jew Yankovic made a song about its capital. Home of our first Nuclear testing.
- New Yorkball: "Where the most astronauts come from." Mostly rural, besides the City, Albany, and Buffalo. And the state's less than 1% covered in piss and trash. The beautiful Niagara Falls is located upstate, but the Canada part is the better half. Seinfeld and Friends happened here.. Also, the first producers of packaged toilet paper.
- New York Cityball: "World's fourteenth largest city, but first in largest egos." Concrete jungle where dreams are made of! Because of him that other countryballs thinks that I am egocentric. Unlike Chicago, NYC actually wants to leave New York. Only city not developed from a single county (There are five in total: New York/Manhattan, Kings/Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx and Richmond/Staten Island!). Also where most of the fighting take place, where most of the superheroes and around half of the supervillains in Marvel came from (If so, why is Marvel's depiction of NYC in such a good shape, better than the actual you?) Hey son, did I ever tell you when the mayor tried to sell the city back to the Indians?
- North Carolinaball: "First in flight and in lung cancer." South Carolina's less corrupt and higher-elevated brother. First in universities, but 48th in education, next to Alabama and West Virginia, and most in furniture (not press board either). Your largest city and it's county are named after King George III's wife (Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz), yet ironically, Mecklenburg County is the first to declare independence, on May 20, 1775. Decent move, son.
- North Dakotaball: "We are better than South Dakota." A very long drive from wherever you live.They're just kinda there. Also has many freedoms for staying out of politics for so long. Plus where Fargo is (love the movie). The lesser Dakota. But still, all the best license plates haven't been taken yet, you can still take some while you can. And uh... well, the nations largest genitalia. It's like Canada, but without the free healthcare.
- OhioRawr: "Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr (People care about me at election time)."
Half son, half pet.Fascinatingly cold. We don't know how they survive up there. Also created the NFL (well, sort of), A whole lot of corn. Shit, he's the most fucking likely to fucking curse, dicks. Home of the only person who was both a senator and an astronaut, John Glenn.
- Oklahomaball: "Ten days tornado free." Also known as North Texas. Home of EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TORNADO! (Well, almost, Texas still holds the title). Along with it being home to the 2nd most Native Americans there after Texas. Still, he made the Louisiana purchase cheaper because of all the rednecks and tornadoes.
- Oregonball: "Dreadlocks on Caucasians" Likes to claim they have more freedoms (due to where the pioneers came to), when in reality, California's toxins just got to their head (And the other state with the wacky tobaccy). But they still have some green energy the last government gave me. But for some reason they won't let you pump your own gas. Contains the most strip clubs per capita.
- Pennsylvaniaball: "Even our Amish will fight you." Home of the former capital city, Philadelphia. Don't forget about the steel that came from Pittsburgh. Hall n' Oates are from here. Donald Trump was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.
Wait, no, Pittsburgh voted for Clinton.
- Puerto Ricoball: "That's what happens when your loans are all over the place. You wait indefinitely." He will probably become the 51st state, but DC jumps the gun too much. Voted to be the 51st state again lately. Full of Latin Americans who call us gringos. Too many loans. Honestly.
- Rhode Islandball: "No seriously! We're a state!" Not really an island. Also liberal and dinky. He has oysters too. Home of Family Guy and most weed smokers. Great if you like coffee milk. Last of the original thirteen states who ratified the Constitution, yet asked for 21 amendments! Full name is "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations."
- South Carolinaball: "Still accepting Confederate dollars." The only state in the south that can keep their head (Although there was a shooting). Home of baptist churches, confederate flags, and historic towns which are the safest places in the state. Also created a dance and a candy bar in the same city. And their still a little racist, yet they are the most polite state. Recently, they've been dealing with people who send contraband into the slammer with drones.
- South Dakotaball: "At least we're not the north side." Like India, cattle outnumber people 4 to 1. It has the mountain with our four former (and best) presidents of the past, and petrified wood. Definitely not Rapid.
Sioux Falls sounds as though a particular Benson family screwed the city up. Dark always Falls.
- Tennesseeball: "Where white people's music comes from. Jack Daniels is from here. Country
musicas fuck, literally. Where bluegrass music originated. Frequently on fire. And Evil Dead took place here! Also, the capital is buried between its walls.
- Texasball: "Everything's bigger, even our morons." We send our astronauts to space here (Houston, also the fourth largest city in the US.). Has the largest metropolis in the entire South, the DFW. And is it my fault that I always get you mixed up with Chile? JUST CHANGE YOUR FLAG. Gosh.
- Utahball: "Multiple homeland wives." Home of those people who come up to your door and talk to you about Jesus (basically Mitt Romney). If I even Balkanize (pfft, right!), he'll always be the Holy State of Deseret (Really, Utah is the sacred ground for Mormons). The biggest jell-o consumers.
- Vermontball: "Gay marriages on maple syrup farms." Home of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, craft brew, and maple syrup. What's that nail of Quebec (the northern parts of Grand Isle County) doing in your territory? and their capital surprisingly doesn't have a McDonald's (for now). The only non-founding state (and fourteenth overall) who ratified the constitution. Has a state capital population of 7855, and a largest city population of 42,452, both values being the smallest values of any state. WTF is wrong with you?
- Virginiaball: "From the centre of civilization, to Hicksville in twenty minutes flat." When you stop seeing Howard Johnson's and start seeing Stucky's, you know you are there. They like football. Also covered in trees. Northern area sucks ass though. Their only notable area is Hampton Roads and they have the most vanity license plates. Where most of our presidents come from. It's 42,000 square miles of dc suburbs.
- Washingtonball: "Richer hippies than Oregon." Never to be confused with the capital or president. Home of Microsoft. And grunge. And Starbucks. And the Seahawks. Shucks, it's the least likely state to gosh darn curse. Also, where Fathers' Day began. He is also fan of soccer.
- West Virginiaball: "The inbred love child of Virginia and D.C." They got football, basketball, incest, matches, bestiality, rigged voting machines, and of course country roads and mountaineers. It's pretty much the nation's mental asylum. Home of mothers day. The least supportive state to the Paris Accords (50-55% support), yet still a majority, though. Wrong direction, Donald Trump. Your views don't represent any one state, only one-third of conservative Republicans.
- Wisconsinball: "It's too cold to be sober." Cheese hats, Miller, and Schlitz too. This state really goes for the gusto. Slender Man Stabbings? What Slender Man? And the hamburger hall of fame.
- Wyomingball: "We don't have any gay cowboys, alright?" Least populated state. Practically nobody lives here, give or take 586,107. Nobody cares about Cheyenne (the ethnicity, not really; your state capital, definitely), they all care about Yellowstone and its catastrophic super-volcano!
- American Samoaball: "Too obscure, even compared to the independent Samoa." You've probably never heard of them. Last untouched paradise in the South Pacific Ocean. Birth place of Troy Palalamu. Lives a day behind his brother Samoaball.
- Baker Islandball: "Inhabitable WW2 Cook Island" Nope, no bakers and pastries found here. Must be the place of Mr. Krabs though because his flag has a crab in it.
- Guamball: "Latte stone pillars? What the hell is that?"Also once Russian territory. The only place in America alongside the Mariana Islands that North Korea has any hope of touching. Wait a minute, is that a jellyfish on your head!? PUT IT DOWN!!!! Damn it Guam, it is not a toy!!!!!
- Howland Islandball: "A lighthouse of a wasteland." That eroding island with a collapsed building. No use at all, but still fun to have. Amelia Earheart was rumored to have landed here (but she disappeared) so we have a lighthouse named after her.
- Jarvis Islandball: "Coral? Island? Or both?" Iron Man's chest landed here, nah just kidding. It's just the name.
- Johnston Atollball: "Atoll with with a base. Scary?" Abandoned military base in the Pacific.
I store my agent orange here. Its only a lighthouse now.
- Kingman Reefball: "Even lesser than an Atoll." Hmm, must be where Poseidon lives. Has a population of one young coconut seed.
- Midway Atollball: "Midway between Asia and Hawaii." Site of a famous World War II battle: My carriers vs Kamikaze's carriers and I sank all his!
- Navassa Islandball: "The only contested piece of land of the United States." Empty island where we have a radar and an empty lighthouse in. Claimed by Haitiball, but just in case, right?
- Northern Mariana Islandsball: "The Mariana Trench should be somewhere near here." Guam's sibling in the north. Choose to join me politically, good boy son. Good boy.
- Palmyra Atollball: "There can only be two Palmyras." Nope, not the one ISISball destroyed in Syriaball (that's not even an atoll, just the Palmyra ruins). Originally part of Hawaii when he was still a territory.
- Virgin Islandsball: "They haven't got laid!" My poor son, you're doomed. And where a famous basketball player was born. Want to be a state? Be a part of Puerto Rico first! also, this is as close you will ever get to South America without a passport.
- Wake Islandball: "The Wake-up call of my day." Naval base. Off-limits to civilians! Where America's day begins.
- United States Antarticaball: "Definitely colder than Alaska." Soon-to-be-made claim on Antarcticaball because I totally have the right to do so while other countryballs can't (Wait, Russia can. Fuck.). Obviously. Fuck your claims guys. Let's try Marie Byrd Land.